String Jokes
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high!
Winds/Brass Jokes
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play wrong notes.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two flute players reading off the same part.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Percussion Jokes
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.
Miscellaneous Music Jokes
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to
be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do
both."
Q: What's the difference between a CD and a musician?
A: The CD eventually matures and makes money.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you stop the spread of a deadly disease?
A: Let BMG distribute it.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then
modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor
in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"
Definitions
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the
composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the
musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same
time.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player
to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch.
Bad 'Cello Jokes Not Worth Reading
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A1: The cello burns longer.
A2: The cello holds more beer.
A3: You can tune the violin.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Q: Why don't cellists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why do cellists smile when they play?
A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Q: A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which
one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three cellos in it?
A: You could fit in at least one more.
Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section?
A1: Half a measure.
A2: A minor second.
Q: Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that
all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for cello?
A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost
immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and
finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it,
you can't return it for any reason."
The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat
so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live
rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking.
Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the
river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped
into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked
in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any
stuffed cellists."
A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to
strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great cellist joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a cellist".
"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"